The Bachelor Recap: Hello! Wifey!

Season 20 | Episode Two

We’ve made it through the awkward limo exits and intros, and for that, you should pat yourself on the back after that episode of crazy. Episode two is when Ben starts going on the dates. We have two group dates and one one-on-one date. So let’s recap!

Hot for teacher

The date card is delivered and it’s addressed to Jennifer, Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Amber, Becca, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, and Lace. It reads, “Let’s learn how to love.” But Lace hears none of that and thinks it reads, “Let’s learn about love.” We’ll give her a pass on that one, she’s been through a lot guys, I mean Ben DID blink during the last rose ceremony. Sheesh.

The ladies arrive at Bachelor High, where Professor Harrison tells them to get into five groups of two and complete a challenge in four different subjects and one team will be eliminated after every round. The group that makes it all the way to the end will compete amongst themselves and the winner gets the honor of becoming Homecoming Queen. It’s all about life goals today!

First up, science! They must mix the correct four ingredients to make Ben’s volcano explode. I felt ickier writing that than I did when I watched it. Anywho, Lace and Jube (can I call you Jube?) are the first ones out.

Next class, lunch! I’m not sure about your high school but lunch was not a subject at mine, but I’m game for making it one! I know I’d ace it. The girls must bob for apples, pass it to their teammate (let’s get real, this is your TV-friendly version of suck and blow), who then drops it on the lunch tray. Unfortunately, Jackie’s mouth is not talented enough, she and Lauren H. are out.

Quick poll, how many of you can correctly place Indiana on a map of the USA? Even if it’s only one person, you would’ve still beaten the three groups left tackling geography. Not one got it 100% correct, but one team, in particular—Becca and JoJo—thought Indiana was Pennsylvania and they’re out!

I’ve already spent too much time on this date, let’s fast forward, the winning team is Mandi and Amber! But we all know there can be only one Homecoming Queen, so to the hurdles for you two ladies. And the winner is the dentist! Congrats Mandi, you get to spend some romantic time with Ben and your tiara as you drive around the track while the rest of the winners losers watch from the stands.

That night, Lace attempts to tell Ben who the “real” Lace is, but I’m convinced that the drunk Lace is the real Lace. Poor thing isn’t helping her case one bit when she tells Ben that last night she was, “Crazy, right? I’m a lot!” Thanks to Jube for interrupting all the “eye f–ing” that wasn’t happening.

But the real winner of this date is JoJo, who Ben pulls away from the ladies that night and brings her up to the helipad for some smoggy kisses and gives her a rose! Yay, love!

Hot tub time machine

Caila was definitely the best choice for this Kaitlynesque date. (Remember Costco and Jimmy Kimmel?) Oh hey, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube! So nice of you to join us on the first one-on-one of the season.

There’s an awkward liquor store trip, and hot tub session in the middle of a hot tub store with Kevin, who nakedly passes gas. And I’m convinced that they all caught something from that hot tub. But I don’t even care because these two lovebirds—and I mean Caila and Ben—are nauseatingly into each other and I’m all for it!

The two couples part ways and Caila and Ben have dinner. (Side note, do these people even eat when they’re on the show? I have yet to see a clean plate from any of them.) They talk about Ben still waiting for someone to love him, and Caila says she wants to be in a relationship with someone who compliments her. Oops, I mean complements her. She gets a rose. Then they are off to a private concert with Ben’s favorite artist, Amos Lee, who Ben has no problem staring at. Thankfully, he stops fangirling long enough to look at Caila and they kiss. And kiss. And kiss. And I’m even starting to become uncomfortable. Stop it you crazy kids!

Blinded me with science

Another group date card comes for Emily, Shushanna, Sam, Olivia, Haley, and Amanda, asking, “Are we a perfect match?” To find out these ladies head over to LoveLab Technologies, which looks a lot like the Television Room from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Everyone is wearing white, and their orange spray tans have never been more apparent.

After the ladies are put through a couple tests, one involving Ben to smell them after they worked out, in case you were wondering Sam smelled “sour” and not in the good sweet & sour chicken way. Olivia, who really should’ve taken part in the first group date because she would’ve crushed bobbing for apples, gets the highest score while Sour Sam gets the lowest.

Time to head to Ben’s home away from home aka the Four Seasons for the night. He quickly steals Olivia and brings her back to his room, where they tell each other that they were not surprised at all about the results. (Gag me.) And they kiss. Olivia comes back to the ladies, and in an awkward attempt to brag, she asks where they are thinking of taking Ben to talk to him. Mommy Amanda isn’t having it and asks Olivia if Ben took her to that cute spot up there. But Olivia doesn’t kiss and tell, maybe she isn’t such a monster. Maybe.

Amanda gets some alone time and tells Ben about her children, and Ben’s OK with that. Children don’t scare him. But even after this tender moment, Olivia still gets the date rose and smugly states that she doesn’t even know what a rose ceremony is. And in that moment I wanted to hug everyone else on that group date. Except for Sam, I don’t care for anything sour.

I almost forgot the best part of this date! We actually get to hear Shushanna speak English! She tells Ben she came to the US with $400 and two bottles of vodka! Because, priorities!

I’m just not that into you

Finally, at the cocktail party, you know the time of episode for the girls WITHOUT roses to make sure Ben still remembers their name, but Olivia isn’t having any of it and takes him away. Because, “Hello! Wifey!” Upon her return, she tells the ladies that she’s done now and to have at it. Thanks for the go ahead Olivia, how thoughtful of you.

Ben does a bunch of cutesy things for a few of the girls to, oh, you know, let them know he’s still thinking about them. Which means it’s Arts & Craft time! Amanda and he make barrettes for her little girls, and I eat it up. <3

Time for the rose ceremony! It’s only episode two and someone already wised up and left before they could be dumped on national television. Toodles, LB! It’s been real, I won’t really remember you anyway.

We also said goodbye to Jackie, Sam, and our homecoming queen Mandi!

Be strong Bachelor Nation, we still have a lot of time, and I’m still rooting for Ben to make the right decisions.