The Bachelor Recap: Me Quiere No Me Quiere

Season 20 | Episode Five

We are halfway through already! (Really?!? I’m not prepared for this to end yet.) Oh! And shocker, Olivia loves him already! Está loca! Due to some masterful editing, we were entertained with clips of Olivia professing her love for Ben, clips of her trying to reassure the viewers (or maybe herself) that she doesn’t need validation, that Ben gives her all the validation she needs. Then the first date card comes, and all that is shot to hell. Ben wants to put all their eggs in one basket, but with Amanda instead! Sorry, Olivia, you will need to be validated some other day.

Up, Up, and Away!

I no longer have to wonder at what point in the season Ben wakes his ladies up ridiculously early to take a sneak peek at what he’ll have to wake up to for the rest of his life! Thanks, Ben. Also, thanks to Lauren H. for being a normal chick and having zit cream and a retainer in. Guys! Ben also wears a retainer to bed! And we all know what that means, “Luvers 4 life!”

I must say this group of women is some of the most moisturized gals that I’ve seen on The Bachelor. Ben finally finds Amanda after waking up every other brunette, and “Voila!” Ms. Mom is taking a page out of Britt’s book and going to bed with her hair done and full makeup on. Because you know, “she woke up like this!”

And they’re off to float around Mexico in a hot air balloon. Amanda thinks this date is amazeballs and doesn’t mind reminding Ben that she thinks it’s amazeballs. I think I counted a total of 15 “amazings.” At dinner, Amanda has something she needs to get off her chest. I love when these ladies think they have the worst past ever, and it makes them sooooo different from the rest of the group. Please. People get married, have kids, get cheated on, and get divorced on the daily. (Sorry, if you knew me personally you would know that I cannot sympathize with humans the way a normal person can.) But Ben’s okay with it! He’s just upset because he can’t believe that someone wouldn’t want to wrap her and her children up and love on them. But for now, a rose will suffice.

I Claimed You, Didn’t I?

Jubes hasn’t even left the hotel room and she’s already over the group date. But not Olivia, according to her it’s not even a want anymore, it’s a need. She needs him guys! It’s time for them to learn some Spanish! But only the important phrases of course. You know, “I want to kiss you,” and “Will you marry me?” And after the eighth girl, Ben has said, “Te amo” to, it’s Jubes’ turn! Ben professes his love for her, and Jubes is the only gal there smart enough to state the fact that she doesn’t want to hear that, he just said that to eight other ladies! Way to go Jubes!

Now armed with their knowledge of Spanish, it’s on to a cook-off, but the recipes are all in Spanish. They break off into teams of two, at least, everyone else did. Olivia and Jubes cling to Ben like they’re dryer sheets, and poor Lo B. is all by herself. Who is going to win this battle? Drum roll, please … Olivia! No shocker there. I mean they are husband and wife, it only makes sense. The teams are off to buy the ingredients for their dishes, but all Olivia and Ben end up doing is drinking tequila, eating crickets, and chewing on mint leaves. Big thanks to whoever said Ben wanted the mint because Olivia’s breath is kicking. Lo and Jubes look so sad while cooking their meal. But chin up, you guys win the cook-off! And in Mexico, if you can cook then you’re ready to get married. Sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Spatchelor you can get ’em next time! I think the true winner is JoJo, I mean Ben did already taste her taco.

Time for drinks! Jubes wants to be the first one to grab Ben, but she’ll have to wait because the eager beaver takes him away first again! Aww, Olivia’s giddy Ben smile is back, and he’s giving her everything she needs. Barf. Jubes’ anger is growing … and growing. She’s crying. But no one seems to care. She’s isn’t used to being overshadowed. After Ben returns from making out in an empty street with Lo, he goes to reach for Jubes’ hand so they can go talk. She doesn’t oblige, saying, “Yeah. We probably shouldn’t hold hands.” Gasp. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ben more hurt than this. Jubes’ is sent home, and cries alone with her unlovable self. JoJo saves the night and tries to make Ben feel better. But that doesn’t matter, the group date goes to Olivia. Just FYI, you don’t have to tell her congrats, she even said so. Thanks for the permission. I didn’t want to anyway, but I do want to punch her in the throat.

You Better Work

Lauren H. finally gets her one-on-one. They walk the runway in a fashion show, he winks at her as they pass each other, they toast with some tequila after, and I love it, but let’s be real. These two will never be more than friends. Ben lets her stick around one more week and gives her a rose.

Teen Mom vs. Jersey Shore

I was hoping after seeing the previews that this cocktail party was going to be awesome. And did they deliver! Amanda was talking about her kids with a few others, and out of nowhere Olivia feels like she’s watching an episode of Teen Mom. Did you hear that? That sound of every single one of the viewers jaw dropping. Amanda comes back at Olivia though and refers to her as Snookie, a hot mess. Emily has had enough! It’s time to tell Ben! Olivia will not have any of that talking behind her back so she decides to go squash the convo. And after that Ben does some sleuthing on his own and gets more info about Olivia from the other girls. Poor thing, he doesn’t know what to think.

And now to the rose ceremony! Ben asks to speak to Olivia before he hands out any of the roses. What? Why? It doesn’t matter because we have to wait until next week to find out. I really hope he plays a game of “He loves you, he loves you not,” as he plucks every last petal off her rose, right before he sends her on the next flight out of Mexico. I hate cliffhangers.