#TBT: Hocus Pocus Uncensored

It’s the most wonderful time of the year… and I’m not talking about snowflakes, sugar cookies, and pretty bows on pretty presents. Friends, it’s the time of year when we can let out our inner Sanderson sister (#TeamWinifred), and run amok with Hocus Pocus-themed EVERYTHING.

Now, I love Hocus Pocus— I really, really do. I can quote it like a champ, and I remember seeing it in the local theater back in 1993… and then I remember having nightmares about Billy the “Good” Zombie for weeks. I hardcore crushed on Thackery Binx, envied Dani, and wished that I had a bedroom as cool as Max’s.

But my love doesn’t blind me to the fact that there are some straight-up weird dynamics in this film. Without raining on anyone’s Hocus Pocus parade, I submit before you some of the weirder, very un-Disney aspects of this Halloween classic. Spoiler: they don’t make Disney films like this anymore.

The film wants you to know that the main character is *definitely* a virgin…

Considering that the kid wears tie-dyed shirts to high school (though we shouldn’t fault him for the 90s), I guess it isn’t toooooo terribly surprising that Max (Omri Katz) is a virgin. In fact, the movie repeatedly reminds us that Max is definitely a virgin, to the point where it’s almost creepy. But the fact that the entire plot of a Disney film hinges on the fact that a teenage virgin unleashes mischief and horror is both hilarious and fascinating. If he *hadn’t* have been a virgin and lit the candle, it would’ve been no harm, no foul.

…and that Allison probably is NOT.

Here is what we know about Allison (Vinessa Shaw). She is consistently one of the most thoughtful and intelligent characters in the film and solves problems when Max is too frustrated or distracted to do so. She is also well-versed in the history of the Sanderson Sisters and Halloween in general. The film lets us know that she comes from money (I mean, look at her house), and it’s reasonable to assume she is descended from an old Salem family. She also appears to be a good student, speaking up in class and challenging idiots like Max who dismiss her culture. (She also has excellent fashion sense, and I’ve coveted her fabulous fall jacket for years.) She’s also unafraid to turn down boys who don’t meet her standards, as seen when she gently, but firmly returns Max’s phone number after school.

But here’s something you might not have noticed: when Max proposes that they should light the Black Flame Candle (“Let’s light the sucker and meet the old broads”), a task reserved for virgins, and offers to let Allison do the honors, she merely smiles and politely shakes her head. Now, you can interpret this as Allison not wanting to potentially mess with magical forces. But I think the better interpretation– considering that she is someone who is clearly up for adventures– is that she isn’t actually a virgin, and so she refuses. Allison’s sexuality is incorporated into the film. Max dreams about her, and the film hints that she is a smart, confident, and respectable young woman who is also sexually experienced. It’s interesting that Disney makes Allison into a well-rounded character, and her sexuality is neither flaunted nor condemned– it simply is. Of course, sexualizing a teenage girl is problematic in many ways; but it’s interesting that Disney didn’t “punish” her for the decisions she’s made in life by representing her as a “bad girl.”

Yabos.

Hocus Pocus‘s resident precocious 8-year-old (Thora Birch) is frank and unflinching about the human body. Who among us did not giggle the first time we saw this scene as a kid? Disney’s use of “yabos” would not happen today.

Adults openly flirting with teenagers.

Let’s be clear about something: Sarah Sanderson (Sarah Jessica Parker) is *at least* 320 years old. Probably much, much older. But here’s the creepy thing: she’s willing to flirt with any dude she comes across… even if he is 17. Though it’s one thing to hint at teenagers’ sex lives, it’s quite another to have an adult character pine over teenage boys.

The sleazy AF bus driver.

I still can’t believe the following exchange occurs in what is ostensibly a children’s movie:

Winifred: We desire children.

Sleazy AF bus driver: Hey, it may take me a couple of tries, but I don’t think there’s gonna be a problem.

And… react. “Mommy, where do babies come from?” “From a night full of desperation and regret on a Salem City Bus,” apparently.

Brother-Sister Love.

I’m not talking about the sweetness that is the sibling devotion between Max and Dani. I’m talking about the fact that Hollywood’s favorite brother and sister team– Garry and Penny Marshall, whose presence in a film, as a rule, automatically makes said film 10000% better– was cast as husband and wife in Hocus Pocus. I can’t even.

Adultery.

The most important thing about Billy Butcherson (Doug Jones) is that, while he was involved with Winifred Sanderson, he was also, as Thackery explains, “sporting with her sister Sarah.” Being an adulterer defines Billy and sets the destiny of his life and afterlife. (The gender representations are indeed skewed here: in the logic of the film– he’s “a good zombie”– Billy is forgiven for his adultery, whereas Winifred’s (Bette Midler) understandable jealousy makes her a hag and Sarah’s promiscuity makes her a slut.)

That time Thackery Binx spoiled Dani’s chances of ever having a normal, adult relationship with another (living) human being.

When Dani beheld Thackery Binx (Sean Murray) in his glorious human form (read: not bewhiskered) at the end, you could almost see the glow of her first crush washing over her. Then, he kisses her, whispers, “I shall always be with you,” and cements his status as the most adorable Puritan ever. And then he drops his mic and walks through the Pearly Gates, thus bidding farewell to this cruel world forever. Whaaaaat. You can almost guess what happens next: just because Binx has walked out of her life (seriously, HE ISN’T ALWAYS WITH HER. HE’S A GHOST IN HEAVEN.), that doesn’t mean Dani stops thinking/caring/loving him. I mean, seriously. This is Peter and Wendy-level pining. I’m calling it: Dani is going to spend the rest of her life looking for a man who will fill the void Binx left when he ascended to the afterlife with his little sister. But, spoiler: she’s never going to find him, because the impossibly high standards to which she will hold every man (i.e. no one is Thackery Binx) ensures her ultimate disappointment and bitterness in romance. I feel you, Dani. I really do.

In conclusion: Hocus Pocus would probably never get made today, at least by Disney’s standards. Or if it did, it would be a pale imitation of the weird and wacky movie we know and love today. Did we miss any strange, unsettling, hilarious, off-beat, un-Disney, or unexpected moments in Hocus Pocus? Let us know if you spotted any others!

Photo Credit: Disney