Pop-Culturalist.com

Director Nem Stankovic and film subject Tommy Lee are the creative team behind My Friend Tommy, a must-see documentary that’s removing the stigma behind adult virginity.

Tommy is a sheltered, real-life 40-year-old virgin who still lives with his Christian Korean parents under a curfew. Tommyʼs never been on a date, kissed a girl, cooked, nor does he own a personal bank account – leaving him with no adult skills. After years of Tommy pleading his unlikely best friend Nem (a 6’9″ former pro-ball player and comedian) to “help him with the ladies,” Nem and his friends agree to take Tommy on an epic, cross-continental quest of challenges out of his comfort zone to rediscover the adulthood he never had.

Pop Culturalist had the pleasure of speaking with Nem and Tommy about My Friend Tommy, how the film encourages audiences to step out of their comfort zone, and more.

PC: Nem, there’s an unpredictability that you can’t account for when you’re working on a documentary, and the initial concept for My Friend Tommy changed during the filming process. When did you start to notice that shift? How has this narrative evolved over time?
Nem: It’s evolved many times over the years. With documentaries, there are three phases. There’s the initial idea and outline. Then you do the actual shooting, which never goes the way you plan. Finally, there’s the edit, which is a whole other story. This journey has taken us almost nine years from start to finish. So, it’s been a while, and it’s shifted many times.

But when I started, I met this guy at college in Toronto. I thought he was a TA or a young professor. I was there to be a screenwriter and director. He was there to be a sports reporter. We connected over basketball since I was a former pro athlete, and it’s his favorite sport to report on.

We became so close that after a while, he was like, “Help me with the ladies. Help me with the ladies.” We were young at the time, and I had this boyish idea because I realized he was an adult virgin.

We had these computer labs, and we would stay up all night doing assignments, since we had twenty-four-hour access. He would always leave at eleven. Everyone would stay until six or nine in the morning. I was like, “What are you doing, man? Let’s hang out.” He was like, “You know, Asian moms.” I was like, “How old are you, bro?” He was like, “Twenty-six.”

Tommy: I lied about my age.

Nem: We figured out his age because he had a grade six photo from 1988, so everybody knew how old he was.

Tommy: My classmates snitched on me on Facebook.

Nem: Nobody cared; he was a rock star on campus. Everybody loved this guy because he’s so extroverted and friendly. We became close because he’s the most selfless person I’ve ever met. I wanted to help him, but I realized he was a virgin, which he also denied.

Tommy: I kept denying my age.

Nem: I had this boyish idea, as any person in their early twenties has. It was a bro idea. I said, “Let’s go on spring break, get it over with, and shoot a movie since you love being on camera.” But then when I found out that he was 35 at the time, had a curfew with his born-again Christian-Korean parents, had never even cooked an omelet, never been on a date, never kissed a girl, and wasn’t even allowed to have a bank account, I started to realize that this is much bigger than sexuality.

It became a question of what it meant to be an adult. What does it mean to be a man? We measure a lot of that based on virginity. We went in with the plan for him not to just lose his virginity but find himself, learn how to cook, learn how to talk to people, go on a date, and all those things. In every city, he’s challenged to a new adult skill ranging from doing laundry to going on a date, leading up to sexuality.

But it shifted during filming. You see different ideologies clash, and we learn about each other. It’s a true friendship film. In the end, I was very happy because at the beginning, we were supposed to have a much bigger budget and pack it with all these all-star celebrity cameos. We realized that would have taken away from what we were trying to do in the end. I’m very happy with how it ended up in the end. It was a positive experience with ups and downs, a lot of roller coasters, and you see that in the film.

PC: Tommy, you show so much strength through your vulnerability. How beneficial was it having this prior friendship and knowing that there was this innate trust between the two of you, and that your story wasn’t going to be told in an exploitative way?
Tommy: Nem’s not just a great friend, he’s like family. The trust was there. I remember the beginning; it was difficult to go through the process of filming. Nem would be like, “Trust me. This will be good.” It’s been amazing. I’m so glad that I went on this adventure with Nem. I have to thank this guy right next to me. It was the best adventure of my life. I would definitely do it over again 100 times over. It helped me experience life and adulthood and helped me emerge into another stage of my life. I can’t speak for these guys, but I guarantee they grew as well.

Nem: He became a role model to us because in the film, you’re seeing your friend change in real-time. You can’t script this. There were a few moments when I was in tears because I was so proud of him. We left that epic road trip inspired because the biggest theme is you need to get out of your comfort zone to grow as a human being, and that can be applied to anything in life. Every human being is in their comfort zone in some aspect of their life. You’ve got to do the things that cause discomfort to really grow as a human being. That’s the biggest theme along with friendship and the whole virginity aspect.

This is the largest minority group in the world. They’re in the hundreds of millions. They transcend borders, race, gender, religion, and nationality. There’s a lot of shame associated with it. It’s still a taboo topic. Nobody’s talking about it. We want to destigmatize the conversation. That’s why we have these shirts. There is that whole high school mentality from back in the day like, “You’re a virgin?” Whereas we shouldn’t be judging each other. We should be looking at each other with love because we’re brothers and sisters. We’re all human beings at the end of the day. We’re trying to destigmatize that and also talk about masculinity because there aren’t a lot of positive role models for men these days.

One in twenty people in North America and one in ten in Pacific Asia is an adult virgin. We’re trying to get this out there, talk about it, normalize it, and give a voice to different groups.

Tommy: Like Nem said, after watching this movie, your kids and your grandkids, we want them to walk down the halls proud of wearing a virgin shirt and not be scared or ashamed. Long before we’re gone, we’ll have our great-grandkids walking down the halls of high school and not have to wear these shirts because it’s normalized. Yeah, we have Seth Rogen and fun things in the film, but at the same time, we’re trying to show that it’s okay to be a virgin and whatever you want to be.

Nem: We shouldn’t be judging each other. We need to create the freedom for people to say that they’re adult virgins. Most people in their forties aren’t going to the bar and leaning over to people to say, “I’m a virgin,” because there’s shame associated with it. We’re trying to break that. I tried to do that by telling Tommy’s story. This is my best friend.

PC: Nem, in that same vein, I think it was really impactful for the documentary that you showed a bit of your own personal story and your own vulnerabilities. Did you know you wanted to incorporate that at the start of this journey? Why was that so important to you as a filmmaker?
Nem: No. [laughs] I didn’t want to tell any of my private stuff. I just wanted to lead him on his journey. I never expected my intimate secrets to show in the film. [laughs] I thought it was selfish to even think about doing that because the film is called My Friend Tommy. It’s about him, but to some degree, it ended up being about both of us.

I had a lot of hardships in my life, and you see that in the film. My life didn’t go according to plan. I was supposed to go to the NBA, and different adversities piled on. We touch on that. It was my editor, Danny Palmer from VICE Media. He’s one of the best editors in Canada. I worked on this project for a year. He worked on this project for a year, full-time. He cut 360 hours of footage into an hour and a half. He was like, “You are telling the story, but we need to know who you are. If you’re going to tell his intimate story, you need to be willing to do it as well.” I was like, “You’re right.” I’m narrating it, and they need to find out who is talking. That’s something that I didn’t expect, and it shifted in the edit.

PC: Tommy, I also give you so much credit for all the firsts that you tackled throughout this journey in such a short amount of time. Towards the latter half of the film, you’re very open and candid about the burnout that you felt. Was there ever a point where you weren’t sure you wanted to continue? How were you able to push forward?
Tommy: There were times. [laughs] But overall, family overcomes everything. I consider these guys my family.

Nem: There was a lot of drama.

Tommy: Lots.

Nem: I wish we caught more on film. [laughs] We were shooting nonstop, so it was hard to get everything, but there were many moments when we were butting heads.

Tommy: That’s a very good question. I don’t want to spoil it for people who are going to watch it, but there’s an important moment where I believe three figures came during that time when Nem and I were really close to being like, “We’re done with this.” They came in and diffused the situation.

Nem: You can see from the film where each of us is coming from. We each had a different mentality and what that means. You see the pros and the cons to each.

Tommy: If it was a smooth filming experience, we wouldn’t have this tight relationship that we have now. Once again, I’m really happy. I would do it over again and not change anything. It was a great adventure.

PC: Nem, something that you’ve done so brilliantly with this film is that while it’s a documentary, it also feels like one of those classic buddy road trips that audiences will love. How were you able to toe that line so seamlessly? Did you find that the filmmakers who inspired and influenced you impacted the way that you approached this documentary
Nem: I went to that university to study screenwriting and directing. I’ve always loved documentaries and comedies. I like sci-fi too, but comedy is my main thing. I was a stand-up comedian for three and a half years. I never expected that my first film would be a documentary, but it fell into my lap while I was at school because we became such close friends. He’s just naturally so funny, and so am I in my own way. Tommy comes off as socially awkward but extremely extroverted. That’s a rare combo for someone. Everything he says is a punchline for the camera. He wanted help with the ladies and hadn’t traveled much. I was like, “Why don’t I take you on an adventure?” Then when I found out about the family and the repression, I was like, “This isn’t a comedy, but we have to put our sense of humor into it.”

My biggest influences are Seth Rogen and Key and Peele. I learned English as a small immigrant boy watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective 300 times. I love Jim Carrey. There’s also a hip-hop element to this. I’m a hip-hop artist. We have an original soundtrack with some of the biggest up-and-coming artists in North America, Asia, and Europe. There’s a very urban element to it as well. It’s exciting. I wanted to make a film that’s really exciting for millennials and Gen Zs that didn’t feel like a doc.

I make people think that they’re going to see something exciting, hype, and will make you laugh, but then I trick people. After they get into their seats, I tell them, “Listen, this isn’t just about laughs and giggles. This is a real story about a real person.”

PC: This film raises awareness for adult virginity. During the process of making this film, you both learned that this is one of the most silent demographics in the world. Tommy, how do you hope your story removes some of the stigmas that society has placed on adult virgins? As you’ve brought this film around the festival circuit, have you seen the impact that you’ve made?
Tommy: Great question. The importance behind this film is to remove the stigma around adult virgins. I hope that your kids, my kids, Nem’s kids, present generations won’t be scared to admit that they’re virgins. It really eats at them. It does. When I was in high school, it ate at me too. The importance of this movie is that it’s okay to be a virgin. Whether you have sex or you don’t, it’s okay. I hope that these shirts will still be there, and our grandkids will wear them down their high schools with pride. They don’t have to be virgins to wear them. It doesn’t matter. Everyone’s involved in this.

As far as the impact, we had this lady who came to our Toronto screening. She was shaking, and I was like, “Oh my goodness. Do I have to call an ambulance? Are you okay? Why are you shaking?” She was trembling in her voice. She was like, “Wow, you’ve made such a great impact on my life. You’ve inspired me to go for my dreams and get out of my shell.” It hit me deep when she said that.

Nem: It wasn’t just her. It was a whole bunch of people approaching me. I would say there were like 50 or 60 people that came up to me and said, “I didn’t expect that. You really opened my eyes to my own life.” Even a month ago, we premiered in Italy at a smaller festival. It was very intimate. There were three people who weren’t even virgins there, and they were like, “You made me think about my life in a way that I didn’t expect. I’m really living in my comfort zone, and now I’m really inspired to step out of my comfort zone. I want to sincerely thank you.” I was like, “Thank you.” It was profound to have that feedback. It’s such a beautiful thing to hear, and it’s become more common as more people see the film. That was our goal. Our goal was to tell Tommy’s story, but also an entire demographic of adult virgins. But beyond that, any human being can relate to him because we all live in our comfort zones in some regards and we need to get out of that.

Make sure to follow Nem (Instagram) and Tommy (Instagram). Watch My Friend Tommy wherever you stream movies.